Modeling Faith When It Feels Hard To Trust

Today I found a major downside of our new home, I’ll abbreviate it: insurance and autism. To give you a brief background, our insurance has never covered autism related therapies so the school system stepped in even with the ever-elusive ABA therapy. They had a therapist on consult in our old system.

Here things are much different. Here, military insurance is king and as such, the school system provides very few services because so much of the population can get them through the military. We are not military. As such, we cannot afford to provide services outside of school. And school is loathe to provide them because the majority of the kids can get them. So we are caught in a donut hole…and I’m having to bring up in school meetings that we are the exception and it is not right that our child has to suffer for things beyond her control which, are, in fact within the school system’s control.

I want to throw my hands up in the air and scream, “Why God?! Why did you let us make this move and make things appear so perfect only for us to find out that there was a major flaw at the center!” And inside, I am kind of screaming that.

But, my kids. My kids can’t see that I’m having this crisis, can they? Will it diminish their faith if they see their mother grappling with trusting this to God? I’m getting hit on all sides here, the school is demanding she get therapy that they refuse to provide (but could, if they wanted to) and the therapists won’t take her insurance and we simply can’t afford to pay 100% up front. No one we know can do that. I keep on repeating to myself that God will worth through this, God will carry us over this huge chasm that has us in suspended animation.

I do believe it’s good for children to witness our dry times of faith and that it is also good for them to see us struggle so they can find God in the storm, but how to do that? How to help them understand that God hasn’t abandoned us even though we are chasing our tails searching for a way out of this conundrum.

I’ve crunched the numbers, even with help from family, we cannot afford the therapy the school wants Shelby to get. Without insurance, it’s unreachable. No one offers payment plans, and I don’t blame them because we’d be dead before they ever got paid off at the rates for services and the amount of services she needs. The only solution is to find a way to get the school system to offer the services.

Faith like a mustard seed, right? David vs Goliath, right? It could happen, right?

For now, I’m choosing not to speak about this issue with or in front of the boys. I will ask Blessed Mother Teresa to intercede and allow me to continue to do this work that’s been given me in joy and not despair and maybe someday I will tell them about how hard it was to just get out of bed each morning, dreading another rejection and another request from the school. For now, I will bear this burden quietly with my family and go about the difficult burden of trusting when it feels like it’s all gone to hell.

To quote Casting Crowns:

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place…

Blessed Mother Teresa, pray for us!

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