A friend underwent a hysterectomy yesterday. After years of infertility, an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage followed by a cancer diagnosis have taken their toll and finally, she agreed with her doctor to complete a hysterectomy. After undergoing chemo and radiation, she’ll have an oopherectomy. There are complicated medical reasons why they aren’t doing them both at the same time. I didn’t understand it myself. But she said on the phone Monday night that although her options for biological motherhood had ended…she still felt this nagging feeling (despite prayerful discernment that led to her and her husband not pursuing adoption and knowing that her cancer diagnosis, even she goes into remission, will be a huge hurdle should they decide to adopt in the future).
I understand that. Although I am fairly sure that there will be no more biological children for us and we know adoption is not a road we can realistically pursue; and even though with this move I got rid of ALL the baby gear and ALL the baby clothes…sometimes I feel that nagging. Somedays when I look at a ninth birth announcement from a couple married as long as we are or fifth pregnancy announcement, the emptiness and sadness flood me.
And it’s not just people suffering from infertility who feel the sting. Tamara of The Broken Tea Cup has explained it beautifully in her struggle with her vocation as a single woman despite a deep desire for a husband and family.
She states here that:
Yes, being single is easy because you don’t have the all pressures of being in a relationship that is til death do you part. I don’t know all the pro’s and con’s. All I do know is I expected to get married like everyone else, but the reality is the Lord has never allowed me to part of the ‘popular group’. I can stomp my feet all I want but it won’t help me. I have tried different avenues in my desire to be married, and all it does is frustrate me.
Or maybe I am attached to the idea of my happily ever after?
Maybe I don’t even believe that the Lord has someone for me, maybe I’ve just gotten tired of waiting on something that I don’t know will ever materialize. I don’t know how to pray for something that seems impossible. All I want to do is let go and move on, but what happened to the happily ever after, and is it still possible despite trying to push that nagging hope that is locked inside of me.
We don’t want to be consumed by the loss of dreams, we pray for God’s will. We ask for release, And some days, we can totally do it. Some days I could almost thank God for stopping us at three because they are more than I seem to be capable of handling. But somedays, I look around and wonder, what if the babies we lost were here? It seems so empty without them and I’m seeing little babies almost daily now in our new community (where I rarely did before) and I think, “why can’t we have one more?”
I have to believe that “nagging hope” Tamara speaks of, that longing for what seems impossible, must serve some kind of purpose. That they are part of something bigger in God’s will. But wow do they make for a conundrum now.