I have been down-sizing/consolidating in the face of our big re-carpeting and putting the house back on the market. Today, I went through and condensed my dresser and chest of drawers into just a chest of drawers again. I also worked on my side of the walk-in closet.
And I was forced to confront them again. The baby and maternity clothes. We’ve gotten rid of all our carseats, strollers, baby baths, baby jungle gyms, but we’ve held onto the clothes. The ones I wanted to possibly use again. The ones I couldn’t bear to give away.
I realize with this move, I will probably have to donate all of them. And it hurts. Because it feels too final. I realize God’s will may be that no more babies will ever be part of our life. So, why, then can’t I just give all these clothes away. Why can’t I submit and just give these up?
I know why. It’s because deep down, we still want, and I still want, one more baby. And I’ve read over and over again that God doesn’t create such deep-seated desires without the intention of fulfilling them and I want to believe that. Despite knowing couples unable to conceive or adopt despite their deep-seated desire for a child to love. Despite knowing our own struggles. Somedays this cross is incredibly difficult to bear. Days like today when I beg God to either allow me to let go or to allow us another child.
I’ve thought about other children, other mothers, who could use these things. And still I hold on. I’ve tried to remember that sometimes we just have to be like Mary, and say yes. And still I hold on. I chastise myself for lack of faith in God’s plan and I tell myself, I’m not bearing this cross joyfully. And still I hold on.
I am afraid. Afraid of not following God’s will and afraid of following it. So I’m paralyzed by this fear that I pray for relief from. Hope, I can do. Resolution/finality, I can do it. But the fear trap I am stuck in…
I guess I have to do fear now for a while. Eventually, those clothes, something will have to happen but at this moment, it feels too final.