Drawn

Lately I have been drawn to blogs about redemption. Mostly from alcoholism. They are all rather well-known blogs, well, except for me knowing about them until recently.

Redemption. Christ died on the cross in the most horrific way imaginable (at least at the time) to redeem us. I celebrate it every single week. Every Sunday at pretty much the same time in fact. I pray for Christ to redeem me by His body and blood. I pray for Him to release me from the sins of sloth and gluttony. From my wrath toward certain people or situation. My envy. All those deadly, deadly sins that I struggle with so deeply it feels.

I wonder as a struggle and sometimes fail with sin, if I am not  being drawn toward these blogs because Christ is showing me it is possible to feel that big wonderful redemption in this life. Or even just many small ones. Or if He’s showing me, yeah, everyone screws up, but it is still worth it to ask and beg forgiveness and try to do better the next go-round.

I have times when I feel spiritually gutted. As if my entire soul is being wrenched from my body and I am lost at which way to turn. I refuse the ennui. I force myself to pray. I force myself to go to mass. I fake it til I make it all the time crying out, “I believe, help my unbelief” (Mk 9:24). I guess the gutted feeling is my version of spiritual dryness and I am determined to not give into it. I am desperate not to allow it to control me. I surrender to God to use this time in some way, somehow, to make me better. To make me whole. These are not lies I tell myself to help me sleep. This is the truth I embrace to keep myself awake. Awake in Him. In His love.

I am drawn to stories of redemption in the hope of knowing my own.

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