A revisit

A while ago I posted this and I have a recent update.

I got this email last week:

As many of you know, we have just had a fourth failed adoption. For those who were not aware, we did not have any luck through private agencies that kept charging us, and well, while we knew it wasn’t a guarantee, we couldn’t afford to keep paying them and not ever get a referral, so we went through DSS. We told them we had no preference for gender, race or age or even disability, we were only looking for a child who needed our love. 

We were placed within a week with a six-month-old baby boy. His mother was crack addicted and we did not know who the father was.  He was with us three blessed weeks before his mother’s sister contested the adoption and got custody.

We waited six long months and two weeks before Christmas were blessed with a beautiful four-year-old little girl. She had some developmental delays but was perfect. Six weeks later, the state decided she should be placed with her biological father who had recently gotten out of prison.

We waited only a week to get an eight-year-old girl and she was gone nearly as fast, claimed by grandparents this time.

Then last month we were placed with a newborn whose teen parents gave him to social services only to have the grandparents step in and convince them it was the wrong decision.

After the first three did not work out, we agreed that if our fourth attempt failed, we would not pursue adoption any longer. As you all know, biological parenthood is out of the question for us as well. We have struggled with this decision, but know it is the right one. We tried to guard our hearts but how do you guard your heart while giving a beautiful child all the love and affection he or she craves so desperately? In the end, it was God’s will that we only be part of these children’s lives for the brief time they were with us. Three were taken from bad situations by the state. One was given up freely. My heart aches for all of the parents, even the ones who made terrible mistakes. We know how it feels to have a child taken.

Some days are better than others. I have days when I am so happy with my life and think of the things I will enjoy that might not have been possible with children. Others are rough. Really rough. There are days when all I see are babies everywhere I go. Or I wake up a little sad and, of course, there is a huge diaper sale at the store and they are right there when you go in. There are days of anger, days when if I get one more email or hear one more story about loss of sleep or breastfeeding problems I fear I might snap. Then there are the days when I look around and think, how could I be so ungrateful? I have friends losing their homes, friends who cannot find work, friends who have not been lucky in love. Why can’t I just be thankful for what I have not want what I cannot? 

Everyday I grieve but I learn new things about this process of living a vocation as just “a wife” not “wife and mother” as I always imagined it. I am just asking for prayers as we navigate this new chapter in life. I am sure there will always be some sorrow but also times of great happiness. Please pray we can, with grace, accept this cross we have been given to bear. 

Thanks, M & M

Please offer prayers for this couple.