Baby, it’s cold outside…and in here too

A good friend and I were recently lamenting the loss of people we once considered close in our lives. These people are still alive and kicking, just not to the same tune as we are anymore. And for reasons we can’t completely understand. These movements apart are not a result of distance or even diverging interests or places in life so much as they are attitude adjustments.

For me, a lot of times, it’s a matter that for my personal mental health, I no longer deal with drama kings and queens. I also have no time for the “it’s my way or no way” people. For me, friendship is about two people doing their part, if I’m doing it all, it’s gonna die. I’m gonna let it.

I’ve been re-examining a lot of my relationships lately, even ones that are, by all accounts great, and wondering if the majority are really necessary for my personal betterment. I actually have days where I wonder if I might be ok with just being a stay-at-home mom and wife and not rely on outside friendships at all. But that is borne of guilt. Guilt about my best friend and what he gave up for me.

I honestly cannot say that any of my friendships ended or were otherwise changed by my getting married. I can’t say the same for my husband. A lot of friends he used to visit regularly and used to communicate with often, he has stopped doing those things with because of me. He married later than they did and to someone much younger.  I would say 95% of the time, diverging interests is why these relationships waned. There are some exceptions and I’ll avoid talking about them here. It makes me sad that there is nothing we can do to increase involvement but more and more I’m hearing, that no one wants kids around, or no one can work around a nap schedule. I’m sad for my husband. I wonder if one day he’ll wake up with no friends outside of our marriage at all.

I’m not going to end friendships to “make us even” and I’m probably going to let friendships that should end linger longer than normal, but I’m wary of many new friends. The old Girl Scout song says ,”Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.” But in many cases, I wonder how relevant that still is today…

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2 thoughts on “Baby, it’s cold outside…and in here too

  1. I have very few friendships from before I was married and those are more Facebook-only friendships. Ending them was never my choice, it always came down to a difference of priorities. None of my former friends are SAHMs or have more than 1 child. But, considering that, I think it is probably just as well we aren’t still friends since, as we’d have so little in common, I think they would be more baggage than beneficial.

    Since we got married I’ve made new friends but they are more walking along the same path I am: SAHMs, devoted to their children, devoted Catholics, etc. But I really find these friendships more beneficial and helpful to me as we not only support each other, but can help each other out while walking similar paths.

    My husband’s situation is very similar.

    I remember the old Girl Scout song, but, sometimes what was a golden friendship changes, as people change, into a friendship that is more rust than precious metal.

    • Katherine that last part is truly a gem (no pun intended). On an unrelated note it made me think of my mother’s wedding band which sadly was made of radioactive gold! Like you I have tended to find friends with more in common with where I am now although I have always had a very wide umbrella of friendship in general. My husband is a few years older than me and his friends that were friends for many, many years are in a totally different phase of life (kids going to college, getting married, etc vs us having toddlers and potty training!) but unfortunately he has not been able to find many close friends in a similar situation to his. I think he had the same friends for so long, it’s almost like he forgot how to make new ones.

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